


Balancing Act

by Medeafic



Series: Supernova [6]
Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Bruising, D/s, M/M, Mentions of Blood, Puppy Play, abrasions, mentions of knife play and cutting
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-02-21
Updated: 2011-02-21
Packaged: 2017-10-15 20:44:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/164776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Medeafic/pseuds/Medeafic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Chris gets an audition.  The boys have lunch with Corey and Neal.  Limits are tested and socks are rocked.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Balancing Act

Chris wakes up late the next day, roused by the sound of his phone insistently buzzing.  Zach reaches over him to smack ineffectively at it.  “Watch it, you’ll break the damn thing.”  Chris grabs at it and Zach grunts, nuzzles back into his neck.

His agent has left a voice message, and as Chris listens to it his heart starts beating faster.  “Zach.  Wake up.  Wake _up_.”

“No.  Too early.”

“It’s eleven o’clock.  I got an audition – for _Inishmore_.  Wake the fuck up, or I’ll jump on you.”

“I’m awake, I’m awake.  You got an audition?  When?”

Chris missed that, in his excitement, so he replays the message on speaker.

 _\-- you need to get back here by the thirtieth, they won’t wait any longer and no, they won’t take you without an audition.  I know you’re on vacation, so it’s up to you, kiddo.  How much do you want it?_

They look at each other.

“I –”

“You’re going.”

“But –”

“Don’t be fucking ridiculous.  You.  Are.  Going.  Then you can come straight back here.  This is what you wanted to do, right?”

“Absolutely.”

“Then let’s get up and get moving.”

“I’m not leaving _today_ , Zach.”

“No, but the sooner we get organized, the better.  And – God – we’ll have to get a script for you to study.”

“My agent will send –”

“The sooner you get started –”

“The better, yeah, okay.  Zach – stop bouncing, you’re shaking the bed!”

“Text back – set up the audition.  Come on, come on!  Get up.”

Chris starts laughing; groans.  “Ow.”

“Still sore?  Can I – can I see?”

Chris stands up and lets Zach unwind the gauze.  He watches as Zach’s gaze flickers with lust, and thinks about how strange this is – how only a year ago he never would have thought, never imagined that this would be where he would be: full of hurt and full of love.  And if he _had_ known – he probably would have been horrified by the prospect.

Looking down briefly, Chris can see that the colors have blossomed, some fading and some coming forward, making up the fractured image.  The scratch marks have settled now; Zach dusts away blood flakes from some of them.

“Do you want to shower now?” Zach asks.

“Sure.”

“Afterwards –”

“Afterwards, you’ll do your thing,” Chris says agreeably.  “Put stuff on me.  Bundle me up in bandages again.  I know.  I know the routine.”

Zach kisses him on the forehead.  “The routine.”  He smiles.  “It’s nice.”

“It is.”

It _is_ nice.  Comfortable.  Balanced.

“But of course - we’ll have to do something about it.”  Zach frowns thoughtfully.  “You can’t go to the audition looking like this.”

“What?  Why?”

“You never know if they’ll ask you to take your top off.  I mean – _I_ would, if I were them.”

“This is going to lead to a lot of really annoying aftercare, isn’t it?”

“You know it.”

  
***

  
After Zach buys a couple of copies of _The Lieutenant of Inishmore_ – one for each of them, he explains – they meet Corey and Neal for lunch.  Chris feels much more at ease with them than with Zach’s LA friends, although he does suffer a flicker of envy at their long history together when they start reminiscing about college.

“Should’ve seen him then, Chris.  _Terrible_ hair.  _Awful_ barbell eyebrow piercing.”  Corey shakes his head sadly.  “Took himself _so_ seriously.”

“I took that barbell out first semester!”

“Notice he doesn’t deny anything else.”

“Screw you.  Anyway, Chris would still love me with bad hair.”

Neal and Corey exchange a glance.

“I would,” Chris assures them.  “Besides, you should have seen my goatee.  It was epic.”

“I’m afraid I _have_ seen it," Zach says.  "John emailed me about it.  But I still love you, despite your unfortunate foray into facial hair.  Hey – is that –?  It is!  Be right back, guys.”  They watch Zach stride over to another table and start up an animated conversation.

“So that was weird,” Neal says.

“Totally.”

“What?”  Chris looks back and forth between them.

“He actually said it, right?  I’m not hearing things?  I haven’t gone crazy?”

“Neal, my friend, I think he actually did.”

“ _What?_ ”

“The L word, Chris.”

“Major kudos, by the way.”

“He says the L wor– he says _love_ all the time.”  Chris is laughing with them, though.

“ _Sure_.  He loves me and he loves Neal.  He loves acting.  He loves his fans and he loves theater.”

“He loves Noah and Harold.  He loves New York.  He loves his iPhone.”

“Come on.  He says it all the time to me.”

“You have pulled off the impossible, in that case.  Bravo!”  They give him a round of applause, and Chris grins, feels himself going a little red.

“But what about Adam?  Surely –”

“Oh, God.”  Neal drops his fork with a clatter and puts his head in his hands.

“We don’t talk about The Adam Situation,” Corey says.  “And _especially_ not the break-up.”

“The Dark Ages.”

“My God, it was bad.”

“So bad.”

“For _all_ of us.”

“Remember how he just _would not_ answer the phone?”

“Hell, yes.  Unless you let it ring for, like, an hour.  And even then it was just heartbroken snuffles and the occasional sob.  It was _brutal_.”

“ _Please_ don’t put us through that again, Chris.  We implore you.”  Neal grabs his hand in both of his.  “We just couldn’t do it.  We’d have to put him out of his misery.”

“Or us out of ours.”

“Bullet in the brain.  Kindest way, really.”

“You guys are mean.  I can see why Zach likes you.”

“Seriously, though.  He’s gone loco over you.  Did you drug him?  I’ve never seen him like this before.”

“We’re just…things are good.”  Chris shrugs, trying to cut his smile down to a more manageable level.  “Yeah.  Good.”

“At first I thought it was just being in New York,” Neal says.  “He was never cut out to be a Cali boy.  But he wouldn’t shut up about you.”

“Very annoying,” Corey agrees.  “I feel like I know every single thing about you, and some things I really wish I didn’t.”

“Look at that – he’s worried now.”

“Settle down.  We’re just yanking your chain.”  Corey raises his glass.  “I propose a toast: to Chris Pine, who made Zach Quinto extremely bearable to be around.”

“Seconded.”

“You can’t second a toast, you dick.”

“I can if I want!  Chris, back me up.”

“Will you two shut up?”  Zach swings his long legs back under the table.  “You’re going to scare Christopher off completely.”

“Christopher!” Corey parrots.  “Oh, did you see Christopher on the cover of _GQ_?”

“Christopher’s calling me tonight, I have to go!”

“Christopher’s ass is –”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Chris says, alarmed.

“You guys are just jealous.”  But Zach is beaming, just like Chris.

“Jealous, that’s what it is.  You’re jealous, Corey.”

“No, man, you are.”

“You are!”

Zach slips his fingers into Chris’s under the table and squeezes.  “They’re like three-year-olds.  I have no idea why I put up with them.”  They smile at each other as Neal and Corey start listing every reason that Zach puts up with them.

  
***

  
At home, Zach makes him lie down with another ice pad and some sticky stuff all over his chest, ignoring every protest Chris makes. 

“If you don’t get the part because of something like this, I’d feel guilty for the rest of my life, Pine.  And I’m not built to carry that kind of long-term emotion.” 

“Zach –”

“Your phone is buzzing again.  No – lie still.  _I_ will get the phone for you.  _Stay_.”

“I’m not a dog,” Chris grumbles.  He checks his messages when Zach hands him his phone – it’s a text from his publicist.  _Bromance excuse wearing thin.  NO PICS w Z 2nite.  Try for Rickman instead.  Credibility.  
_  
Chris tosses the phone on the nightstand in irritation and tucks his hands behind his head.  Zach has started his hours-long grooming process, and is in and out of the room, chattering about – something interesting, Chris is sure, but he finds himself dozing a little.

“Are you even listening to me?”  Zach is looming over him and Chris wakes with a start.

“Yes.”

“You are not!”

“No, not really.”  Chris smiles.  “I’m sorry.  What were you saying?”

“I was _saying_ , I can run some lines with you before your audition, if you want.  We could read together.”

“Sure, Zach.  Thanks.  Can I move yet?”

“No.  And if you try I’ll have to tie you down.”

“You haven’t done that for a while."

Zach laughs.  “Trying to hint?”  He fiddles with his shirt, looks in the mirror.  Chris is used to his dress rehearsals by now.  “No.  Too business-casual.  I need something more…less…” 

“Zach?”

“Mm?”

“What would a 24/7 thing be like?”

Zach, to his credit, only stops unbuttoning his shirt for a second before continuing.  “Why are you –”

“You _know_ why.”

Zach gives a long, huffy sigh.  “You were right, it wouldn’t work anyway.  Not at the moment, and – it would be – I don’t want – I like what we have.”

“I like it too.  And honestly, even the _idea_ of 24/7 scares the hell out of me.”  Zach stills, his back to Chris.  “But, you know.  I just wondered how you see it.  _If_ you can see it.  Because you told me about that guy once, the one you collared –”

“That was disastrous,” Zach snorts.  He pulls off his shirt, and turns to look at Chris.  “Although…I don’t think it would be like that with you.  Not that I’m saying – I just meant – I – Christopher, why are we even talking about this?”

“You’re so cute when you’re flustered.”

“Fuck you.  Did that stuff soak in yet?”  Zach comes to look under the ice pad, stroking his fingers lightly over Chris’s chest.  He smiles at the hiss it draws.  “Shame we have to encourage it to fade so fast.  The fun I could have had.  And I won’t even be able to watch the colors change when you’re back in LA.”

 _Like a kaleidoscope_ , Chris thinks.  “I’ll send you pictures.”

“Really?”

“Of course.  You worked so hard on it.”  Chris grins.  “And it won’t fade _that_ fast.”

“Thank you.  That’s very nice of you.”  Zach looks happy.  “I think you’re set.  You want to start getting ready for tonight?”

“Zach, my getting ready consists of showering and putting on clothes.  It’ll take me ten minutes, max.”

“In that case, do you wanna –”

“Yes.”

Zach raises his eyebrow.

“You were going to suggest sex, right?”

“I’m getting far too predictable.”  He helps Chris swing up from the bed, looking thoughtful.  “You think you can follow orders?”

“I always do, Zach.  I always do.”

“Sure – but I’d like to push the envelope.  See how far you’re willing to go.”  Zach has a gleam in his eye.

“You know I’d do anything,” Chris shrugs.  “But alright.”

“This will be about your ego, Christopher.  Not how much pain you can stand.”

Chris considers for a moment.  He’s pretty sure his ego is under control.  He’s pretty sure that he’s up for whatever.  And he wonders, almost without admitting it to himself, if this is Zach’s way of testing him. 

“Let’s go, Quinto.”  He strips off his jeans and boxer briefs.

Zach grabs his hand and leads him out into the lounge, positions him in the middle of the room and stands back to watch him.  “Get your dick hard.  Oh, you’re blushing about _that_?  Really?”

“ _No_ , I –”

“Be quiet.”  Zach sits down on the sofa, the picture of relaxation, and folds his hands over his stomach.  He gives Chris a small, curious smile.  Chris presses his lips together and wraps his hand around his cock, already half-hard anyway, and does what he’s told.

Finally, Zach raises a lazy finger.  “Stop.  Put your hands behind your back.”  He twirls his finger, and Chris rotates obediently.  “Good.  I wonder what other tricks you know.  Sit.”  Chris looks at him.  “I said, _sit_.”

Chris swallows his words and sinks to the floor to kneel.

“ _Very_ good.”  Zach smiles wider.  “Lie down.  Yes.  You heard me.  Now roll over.  Oh, you’re _such_ a good boy.”

Chris, pulling himself up to his knees again, starts laughing.

“Quiet.”  Zach frowns, but Chris can see the amusement in his eyes.  “Be good and you might get a treat.”  He stands up and comes over to him, his lips twisted into a smirk.  “Christopher –”  He folds his fingers into a gun, and says, “Bang.”

Chris knows Zach has trained Noah to do this; he loves to show it off to visitors.  Chris tries his best to play dead, although he can’t wipe off his smile.

“Heel.”

He feels ridiculous, crawling across the floor next to Zach’s legs, but – it’s actually fun, in a surreal way.  And he _does_ want a treat, although he’s pretty sure it’ll just end up being Zach’s bone…He snorts with laughter, and Zach stops, looks down at him.

“If you can’t keep yourself quiet, I’ll have to muzzle you.  Be a good dog for me.”

Chris bites his lips and nods.

“Walk.”

They go into the kitchen, Chris crawling, Zach striding as though this were a daily occurrence, and Chris rests back on his heels gratefully when they get there.  His knees are starting to ache.  Zach pulls out a jar of peanut butter and idly unscrews it.

“Noah loves peanut butter,” he says.  “I wonder if you do too.”

Chris nods. 

“It’s a pity you have no way to tell me.  Or – maybe you do.  Do you like peanut butter, Christopher?”

Chris nods again.

“Hmm.  Nope, still can’t understand you.  How about we try – speak.  Do you know that trick?”

“I –”

“No!” Zach holds up his hand.  “You’re a _dog_ , Christopher.  Now – speak.”

Chris thinks for a second, and then figures it out.  Sighs.  “Woof.”

“I can’t hear you.”

“ _Woof_.”

Zach grins.  “Good boy!”  He dips his fingers into the jar and holds them out to Chris.  “Beg.”

When Chris bounces up on his knees, drawing his hands up under his chin and panting, he can see Zach nearly loses it.  He has to pause, collect himself, fight the urge to laugh.  “So well trained,” he says, his voice quavering.  He holds out his fingers for Chris.  “You can have your treat.  Jesus, Christopher – _lick_ , don’t _fellate_.”

Zach is starting to giggle.  He pulls his fingers out of Chris’s mouth and grabs the lube – defrosted now, and they figured it would probably still work okay.  “Wait.”  He starts to untie the long leather strip he wears around his wrist.  “We’re missing something.  Every dog should be kept on a leash, right?”  He crouches down, and gently lifts Chris’s dick, starts to wind the leather around it, leaving one end long and free.  “Not too tight?”  He gives a brief tug, and Chris clenches his teeth.  He never expected such a sharp sense of lust, not from something like this.

“Woof.”

“Good dog.  Hands and knees, Christopher.”

Chris forgets about his sore knees as soon as Zach slides into him, exhaling with pleasure.  “Don’t you dare come.  I don’t want you making a mess on the floor.”  But Zach is jerking him even as he talks, his hand sliding roughly over the leather, tugging on the leash every now and then, and Chris desperately tries to distract himself.  He thinks about how ludicrous and how funny and how strange this whole thing is – but that doesn’t help.  To his own astonishment, he’s getting off on being depersonalized like this.

“ _Zach_ – oh, God –”

“You.  Are.  Still.  A.  Dog.”  Zach punctuates each word with a thrust.

“Woof,” Chris agrees, and then wishes he hadn’t, because it pushes him right to the edge, his fingers scrabbling at the tiles.  “ _Fuck_.”  Zach grips him hard around the base of his cock to stop him coming and Chris starts mentally reciting the planets of the solar system in reverse order.  By the time he gets to Venus, he’s under control again, but Zach is driving into him, pushing him forward, shooting, biting.

Chris waits, his arms shaking a little, for Zach to pull out, and when he does, he falls back on his heels again.  The only sound in the kitchen is their combined gasping for air.

“I told you not to make a mess.”  Zach’s voice is low, and Chris feels his heart stutter, as though he really has done something to displease his master.  “Look at that.”  Zach points at the floor.  Chris has leaked pre-come onto it.  “Look at that mess you made.”

They look at each other, and Zach smiles wickedly.  He grabs Chris by the back of the neck and forces him down, face first, to the small puddle, rubbing his nose into it.  “ _Bad dog_.”

It’s all over for Chris – he makes a futile grab at his dick to stop it, but he’s spurting everywhere, and Zach’s fingers tighten around his neck.

And then Zach is laughing, delighted, pulling Chris into his arms and kissing him.  “That was incredible.  _You_ are incredible.  Oh Christopher, I love you, so much, you’re so adorable.”  He tenderly unwinds the leather and wraps it back around his wrist.

Chris starts laughing too.  “Fuck.  That was weird.”

“I know, right?  I don’t know if I can do it again, though, so you’re safe.”

“What?  Why not?”  Chris is a little disappointed.

“Because I’m not sure I’ll be able to look Noah in the eye again, after that,” Zach says, crinkling up his nose.

Chris grins.  “So tell me straight – am I a better dog than Noah?”

“You both have your charms.  Ugh.  I’ll have to shower again now.”  They help each other up, and Zach looks his chest over again.  “No new damage,” he says with satisfaction.  “Come on.  You can shower with me.  Saves water.”

  
***

  
 _I got the fucking Rickman picture_ , Chris texts to his publicist, just to shut her up.  He’s stayed away from Zach for most of the night, although every time he thinks about what they did just a few hours ago, he starts smirking.  Not politic, not when people are trying to have serious conversations with him.  Alan told him he was looking good, asked if he was seeing anyone, and Chris spent a few minutes stammering and blushing and generally making an idiot of himself.  Alan, thankfully, just laughed, clapped his shoulder.

“Keep doing it, whatever it is you’re doing.  You’re glowing.  New York evidently agrees with you.”

“I _love_ New York,” Chris told him. 

He’s talking to a blonde woman whose name he’s already forgotten when he catches Zach’s eye across the room and they both smile goofily at each other.  Zach is still wearing the leather around his wrist, and every time Chris thinks about that he gets turned on.

His phone vibrates.  _Pls do me a favor and stay in ur hotel room 2nite_.  Chris scowls.

“What is it?”  Zach has somehow made his way over, and they pretend to be catching up, like they haven’t just spent the afternoon fucking on Zach’s kitchen floor.

“Just publicity shit,” Chris says, once he’s enquired after Zach’s health.  “She wants me to go back to the hotel tonight.”

“We can do that.”

“No, I don’t want to.  I like your place.”

“Okay.  Whatever you prefer.  You’ve been such a good boy, you deserve a reward.”

Chris snorts into his drink.  “Come on, man.  I’m having a hard enough time keeping it together as it is.”

 _Flight booked.  2moro 9am.  And Trousdale with new girl 2moro nite._

“Jesus!”

“What now?”

Chris shows him the message, frowning in frustration.  “They didn’t even _ask_ me.”

“Well.  I guess – I guess they thought the sooner the better.”  But Chris can tell that Zach is a little upset.

“It’s not the flight I’m worried about.”

“Yeah.”

“I’m not going back just so I can get papped going to a fucking nightclub with a fucking – _Christ_.”

“Temper, temper.”

“You _want_ me to fake-date?”

“Of course not.”  They shut up as a waiter comes by to offer them finger food.  “All I’m saying is, they’re looking after your career.  If you don’t think they’re doing a good job, then – don’t do what they tell you.  Or find new handlers.  Or whatever.”

Chris chews viciously at his _hors d’oeuvre_ , swallows.  “I wish you wouldn’t call them that.  And anyway – that’s the problem though, isn’t it?  I got this audition.  So they _are_ doing a good job.  I just happen to hate how it’s getting done.”

“I don’t think you got the audition because you’re playing straight,” Zach murmurs, and immediately looks past Chris’s shoulder.  “I’m sorry; I shouldn’t have said that.  We should circulate.  Let’s stay another half hour and then go home.  We can look at _Inishmore_ when we get back.”

Chris stares after him as Zach slips back into the crowd.

By the time they get home, it’s late, and Chris feels drained.  Zach is buzzing with energy, though, and after insisting on more creams and ice pads on Chris, wants to read a few scenes from the play.  “I’ll do my best Irish accent for you.  It’ll rock your socks.”

“Rock my _socks_?  Okay.  Let the sock-rocking commence.”  But Chris spends more time laughing than reading.  Zach _can_ do a reasonable Irish accent, but this is not it.

“Are you mocking my superior skills?” Zach asks.  They’re lying on the bed on their backs, ankles crossed.

“I would never.”

“But seriously, this is pretty intense stuff.  You sure you’re up for it?”

“Are _you_ mocking _my_ skills now?”

“No, it’s just – once you’ve seen someone spontaneously blow all over the floor because they’re called a bad dog, it makes it difficult to picture them as a sociopathic killer.”

Chris chuckles, embarrassed.  “That’s happened to you before, has it, that exact situation?  You have experience?”

“Sure, all the time.  Guys come round, bark a bit, jizz all over the kitchen, and then unconvincingly play IRA hitmen.  It’s becoming a trend.”

“Then tell me how _you_ would play it.  Or would you just be yourself?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know.  Scary.”

“But I’m not like that.  I’m not – I’m not a psychopath.”  Zach looks disturbed.  Chris kicks himself mentally.  He rolls over on top of Zach, ignoring the pain in his chest, and kisses him.

“Of course not.  I didn’t mean that.  I just meant, you know.  Sometimes you’re scary.  You _like_ to be scary.”

“Oh.” Zach still looks wary.

“And I was thinking about Sylar.”

“That was completely different.”

“Well – how?”

“Sylar – he was – the key to him was his insecurity.  And his parental issues.  And – a whole bunch of things apart from being scary.  And anyway, by the end –”

Zach is starting to sound very defensive.  “Okay,” Chris says quickly.  “I get it.”  He doesn’t think there’s as much difference as Zach does, but there’s no point making it an issue.  “So tell me how you’d play it.”

“It doesn’t really matter how I’d do it – it’s gotta be _your_ performance.

“I know, but –”

“Let’s just read this scene – see how you feel.  You shouldn’t let me influence you.”

Chris sighs.  “Okay, Zach.  We’ll do it your way.”

  
***

  
They have to get up early so that Chris has time to get back to the Bowery Hotel to check out.  But after he gets out of the shower, frantically trying to find the last white t-shirt he brought with him to Zach’s place, Zach grabs him and pushes him up against the wall.

“You didn’t think I was going to just forget, did you?”

“What are you doing?  We don’t have time for –”

“Just hold still.  It’ll only take a second.”  Zach holds him against the wall by pushing into the small of his back and kneels down.  “Sharpie time, Christopher.”

Chris laughs.  “Oh, yeah.  _I_ forgot.”

“Bad boy.” 

Chris feels the wet tip of the sharpie travel rapidly over his skin; his dick stirs.  _No time_ , he tells it.  “I’ll only be gone a few days.”

“A few days is a few days.  Rules are reinstated.  _Including_ the yoga.  There," he says, satisfied.  "Now there’s no question of ownership.”  Zach bites him gently, right over the mark, and Chris groans.  “I think Corey might be right – I _do_ talk about your ass a lot.”

“Can we not discuss Corey while you’re doing – _oh, God_ – that?”

But Zach gets up, smiling.  “No time, Christopher.”

“Mm.”  There’s time enough for kissing, though, Chris discovers.  “Hang on –question of _ownership_?”

Zach blinks.  “Well – uh – what I _should_ have said –”

Chris kisses him again to shut him up.  “You said it just fine,” he tells him afterwards.  “Now help me find my socks.  I think you rocked them too hard last night – I can’t find them _anywhere_.”

By the time they get to the Bowery, they’re running late, and have to shove everything he’s left there into Chris’s bag as quickly as possible.  “This is ridiculous,” Chris mumbles after he signs out.  “Next time I’ll just stay with you.  Officially.”

“I don’t think that’s a great idea,” Zach says in the taxi to the airport.

“You _wanted_ me to come stay with you in the first place.”

“Yes, but – they’re probably right, Chris.  You _do_ need to think about how it would look.”

“You said yourself last night –”  Chris stops and lowers his voice as the driver glances at them in the mirror.  “You said you didn’t think playing straight was having any effect.”

“Yeah, well, I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Why not?”

“Because…because you should run your career however you want to.  My opinion shouldn’t count for anything.”

“Are you insane?  Your opinion counts for _everything_.”

Zach gives him a strange look.  “But it _shouldn’t_ , Pine.  That’s the point.  I don’t – I don’t _own_ you.”

“There’s a mark on my ass says different,” Chris says with a grin.  But Zach only gives a vacant smile and turns to look out the window.  Just when Chris starts thinking that maybe there’s a problem between them, Zach twines their fingers together.

“You’ll be back soon, right?” he says to the window.

“As soon as possible.”

  
***

  
As soon as possible turns into several days, because his audition went well and they want Chris to read with some other potential cast members.  He’s ecstatic, but torn.  Zach tells him not to worry about it – that it’s important he makes himself amenable.

“Oh, and I didn’t have to take my shirt off,” Chris adds.  “So all that lying around feeling sticky and cold was for naught.”

Zach laughs.  “It made _me_ feel better.”

“Are you enjoying the pictures, at least?”

“I am.” 

Chris has sent photos as promised, day and night, because the colors are retreating so quickly.  “Can I stop with your list of things to make it fade now?”

“No.  If you’re reading with other people, they still might ask you to –”

“Okay, okay.  Fine.”

Zach laughs.  “How was Trousdale?”

Zach doesn’t usually ask about that kind of thing, but Chris just goes with it.  “Fucking awful.”

“What was she like?”

“I don’t know.  We didn’t really talk much.  She was more interested in her best friend, who came with her.  And by best friend, I think she meant girlfriend, because they kept disappearing into the bathroom.”

“Well – that’s nice for them,” Zach says.  “Or maybe they were doing blow.”

“Nice for them, sure, but it was boring for me.”

“You could have asked to join in.”

“ _Zach_.”

“I’m kidding, kidding.”

They pause.  Chris smiles.

“I miss you,” Zach says.

“Yeah.”

“It’s weird not having you here.”

“It won’t be long.  A few days, and I’ll be back.”  Neither of them point out that after that, they’ll be separated again for some time.

But the days do pass quickly, and Chris is back at the Bowery before he really has time to start missing Zach with the same bone-deep intensity he’s felt before.  This time, he gets into New York as early as possible, checks in to the hotel and immediately gets a cab to Zach’s apartment, without even going up to the room.

“It’s almost all better,” Zach says as Chris takes off his clothes.  He trails a hand over Chris’s chest, where the bruises and scratches have faded significantly.  There’s no pain anymore, Chris has discovered, unless he really pushes hard into it.

“You sound sad.  We can do it again, sometime.  Seriously.”

Zach shrugs.  “I’d prefer to do stuff we both like.”

“I liked it.  Sort of.  But – speaking of stuff we both like –”  Chris unzips his case and scrabbles around in it. 

“Cookie things?” Zach asks hopefully.

“Those too, but this is – you’ll like this – ah.  Here.”  Chris turns around, holding out a slim box.

Zach’s eyes light up immediately, but he doesn’t move forward to take it.

“Here,” Chris says again, and grabs Zach’s wrist.  He places the box in his hand.  Zach hesitates, but then wraps his long fingers around it.

“My knife.”

“Yes.”

“They let you take it on the plane?”

“I checked it with my luggage.  Got more grief over the cookie things, actually.  Which – are here.”  He pulls out a paper bag, deposits it in Zach’s other hand.  “Ta da!”

Zach stands still, looking back and forth between his hands with a big smile.  “I’m so excited I don’t know what to do first.  Cookie things, I guess – less involved.”

Chris laughs as Zach puts both handfuls down on the nightstand and dig into the paper bag.  “Well, actually – I have an ulterior motive.”  Chris grabs the box and opens it up, tipping the knife into his hand.  Zach stares across at it, chewing thoughtfully, and swallows abruptly when Chris flicks it open.  “Now that I got the part, I was wondering if we could play with this again.  I’d like to learn some stuff.  From you.  About using it.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well – I figured we could, you know…Since you won’t let me do it to myself.  I could –”  He waves the knife around unthinkingly, and watches Zach take a step back.  “Um, sorry.”

“What _exactly_ are you getting at?”

“I thought I could cut you,” Chris blurts out.

“Uh – _no_.”

“But why not?”

Zach starts laughing.  “Because it _hurts_ , dumbass.”

“ _You_ cut _me_.”

“That’s different.  You like it.”  Zach stops smiling so widely, and takes a closer look at Chris’s expression.  “Right?  You like it?  That’s what I’ve been led to believe, anyway.”

“Yeah.  I like it.”  What he wants to say is that it’s not really a question of like or dislike.  It’s about power and trust and a million other things divorced from likes and dislikes, but if Zach doesn’t know _that_ he doesn’t want to tell him.  And he’s pretty sure Zach knows, anyway.

Zach looks apologetic.  “Well – I’m just not wired that way.  It doesn’t work the same way for me.”

“It doesn’t have to be like that.  I just want to know what it feels like for you.  What you’re thinking when you do it.  That kind of thing.”

Zach turns away slightly, licking crumbs off his lips, and Chris can tell that he’s considering it.

“For the role,” he adds.  “So I can be better at it.”  If Zach has a soft spot, it’s artistic authenticity, and Chris can see he’s hit a bullseye.

“Okay,” Zach says slowly.  “We could _talk_ about it.  For the role.”

“Thanks.”

“So what do you want to know?”  Zach gets his _I’m being interviewed_ face on, which makes Chris want to laugh.  He pulls Zach over to the bed.

“We can talk afterwards.  I need cock.”

“Sometimes I wonder how you _ever_ thought you were straight.”

“Wait till you see what I’m wearing to the Met Gala.”

  
***

  
“It just takes a lot more planning and control and effort than you seem to realize,” Zach tells Chris after he’s fucked him, hard, to order.  “You have to build up the illusion.”

“What’s the illusion?” Chris asks, frowning.  “You cut me – that’s not an illusion.”

Zach gives a small smile.  “No, that stuff is real.  But your state of mind – and mine – that’s important.  I have to work it so that we’re both in the right space.  And I have to stay aware of how things are going for you.  Just in case.  Especially if we’re doing something _really_ dangerous.”

“Like that time I forgot my safe words?”

“Like that, yeah.”

“So where’s the illusion?” Chris insists.

Zach rolls on to his side and looks at him.  “You are so hell-bent on giving it all up that you don’t seem to realize that there’s a _balance_ of power.”

“I give it up and you take it.”

“No, and that’s exactly my point.”  Zach frowns a little.  “Sometimes I get worried about you, you know?”

“What _is_ your point?”

“It’s the _power_ that’s an illusion.  I don’t have any power over you, not really.  But for a short time, we pretend that I do.  We pretend that you’ve given it up to me.  But you still have power.  You have your safe words.”

Chris stares at him.  It _feels_ like Zach is trying to wriggle out of something, and Chris doesn’t like it.

“I disagree.”

“You can disagree all you like, it doesn’t change the facts.  Fortunately for both of us, we don’t live in a country where one person can have _actual_ ownership of another person.”

“Sure, but –”

“And therefore, the power exchange that we have is just an illusion.”

“Okay, I get that that’s how you see it, but –”

“It’s not just _how I see it_ , Pine, it’s _how it is_.  I know you have all these romantic notions of –”

“ _Hey_ ,” Chris says sharply.  “I suggest you engage your brain, because you can’t take back whatever’s about to come out of your mouth.”

Zach stops, his mouth a little open and looks at Chris.  “Sorry,” he says after a pause.  “And…thanks.”

Chris dials down his glare a notch.  “If you would just give me a _moment_ to tell you what I actually think, instead of making assumptions, I’d appreciate it.”

Zach looks a little pink around the ears.  He nods.

“You’re thinking about power in very real terms, but it’s not always so black and white.  If I choose, in a free society, to give up something to you – that’s real.  It’s real between _us_.  And it doesn’t matter whether the rest of the world agrees or not.”

“Look, I know you’re curious about the 24/7 thing –”  Zach breaks off.  “Can we – can we just talk about cutting, for now?  We started out talking about that and got…off track.”

“Yes,” Chris says quickly.  “Cutting.”  Because suddenly, he doesn’t want to talk about a 24/7 thing.  Not if Zach really sees it that way – as just _make believe_.

“What would you like to know?”

Chris starts asking questions, and nodding, and looking interested, but inside, he can’t help replaying Zach’s words, _I don’t have any power over you, not really_.

“– and you have to control the depth of the cut, because – because otherwise you might find yourself daydreaming and not really listening.”

“I see.”  _The power exchange that we have is just an illusion_.

“Christopher.  You’re not listening.”

Chris jumps; feels guilty.  “Sorry.”

“What are you thinking about?”

He’d really rather not discuss it, but Zach looks like he’s ramping up to say something about the Honesty Policy, so Chris gives in gracefully.  “Power.”

“And?”

“And – I feel like you’re abrogating your responsibilities when you say it’s just pretend.  Because it’s not an act.  Not for me.”

Zach covers his hand with his own.  “I know.  I know it’s not.”

“But it is for you?”

“Christopher – it _has_ to be for me.”  Zach looks extremely uncomfortable, but keeps talking.  “If it weren’t – I don’t know if I could hold back.  I don’t think it would be a healthy thing for me.  You don’t seem to understand, even now, even after we talked last week – it _has_ to be a game.  It just has to stay that way.  I need to find that balance, every time.  I need the balance between real and not-real.”

Chris can’t trust himself to say anything, because he’s worried he might just start crying, like an idiot, and never be able to stop.

“You look upset,” Zach says immediately.  “I’m sorry.  Maybe I’m not explaining very well.”

“No, I get it.”

They sit in silence for a few minutes.

“I’d like to try it.”  Chris squeezes Zach’s hand.  “Sometime.  From your perspective.”

“Try what?”

“You know.  Doing the stuff you do.”

“You mean –”

“Topping.  Dominating.  Being a sadistic bastard.”

“Like – go to a club?”

“No.  Not at a club.”

“Then what – oh.  _Oh_.  No.  No, I don’t think so.”

“Why not?”

Zach gives a brief, incredulous laugh.  “Because I’m not wired that way, I told you.  It wouldn’t work for me like it works for you.”

“I don’t mean anything too intense.  And you – you could _pretend_.”  Despite his best efforts, Chris’s voice is brittle.  “Besides, you agreed.  After last week.  You owe me a magic trick.  An _illusion_.”

Zach gets a knowing look in his eye.

“Oh, just – forget it.  You don’t want to.”

“No,” Zach says.  “You’re right.  If you want to try it – alright.”

“But you won’t enjoy it.”

“Oh, I don’t know about that.  Besides – it would provide some balance, right?  I’m pretty tough on you.  You deserve a little payback.”  Zach grins.

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Wow!”

“There will be _very_ strict rules and limits.”

“Oh.”

Zach leans over to kiss him.  “We can negotiate.  What did you want to do?”

“I have _no_ idea!”  Chris beams at him, and Zach laughs.

“Well – think it over.  And we can discuss it over the next few days.”

“Okay!”

“You’re like a puppy with two tails.”  Chris groans and Zach smiles his sharp bedroom smile.  “Gotcha.”

“Yeah,” Chris says, pulling Zach in for another kiss.  “You’ve got me.”


End file.
